By Nigel Lithman Q.C.

D.I.Y.

They say that the letters D.I.Y. and J.E.W do not belong in the same alphabet. I am living proof that that is a lie. For me the letters Do It Yourself have proven to be a more powerful tool than the Allen Key that is included and the Phillips screw driver that is always left out of a set of IKEA instructions.

It should be remembered that I was a naughty and lippy schoolboy. Those days could be characterised by the occasion when my Mother met Mrs. Taylor in the street. Mrs Taylor was the Mother of the form swat Johnny.

"My Johnny's half term report shows he really is beginning to buckle down to some hard work," Johnny's mum announced as her already swollen bosom, swelled further.

"My Nigel told ME that he doesn't get half term reports," my Mother responded and half an hour later was scouring the dustbins of Wanstead looking for three years worth of documents.

Giggling and lip were the only subjects I truly excelled in and so as a child virtually everything I was asked to do, could be met with the response DIY -"Do It Yourself."

It is fair to say that in those enlightened days of lawful chastisement, or awful chastisement as it seemed to me, the next move would be the whack to the head from my Father. DIY was up there with the other most important expression "Why do tomorrow, what can be put off until Thursday?"

To me even then trying to master the bon mot, surely DIY, to have any meaning should be DIM - Do It Myself.

But last week in Israel my life changed forever. My wife and I made our first bed; in fact our first anything. It came from Ikea and appeared to consist of 1500 bits and a bag of 400 screws.

I began by thinking it could not be that difficult. Having spent my life representing people who, in order to persuade Judges they actually had jobs that did not involve entering other peoples homes at 2 a.m., claimed that they were builders.  So it seemed that building just could not be that difficult.

I decided to abandon the instructions (including those that came in German, French, Chinese and Arabic) and revert to first principles. There was the picture of the bed on the front of the box and so I set about it as if it was a jigsaw. I was off to a good start when I found the four corner pieces. I then got sidetracked looking for bits of sky.  I kept holding the box lid up to see how we were getting on and just hoped that the very last piece was not missing.

After about 2 hours and as the sunset over Zichron Yaacov where we were undertaking this great feat, we were about half way through our great erection. We began to get nervous as this was the only piece of furniture in our new house and the prospect loomed of our having to sleep the way horses do - standing up.

But four hours later it was done and having made our bed of course all we could do was lie on it. We assumed that unlike lifts that say "max. 8 persons ", the bed was not subject to a weight allowance.

The trouble of course with IKEA is that it is catching. So that night I did not sleep but set about constructing two easy chairs we had also bought there. I do not know why they were called "easy" chairs. They too took several hours apiece to assemble. Not satisfied with that I was like an addict looking for an Ikea fix. I ended up dismantling the kitchen and putting it back together in the garage.

But why were we doing this?  It's because having spent two years trying to buy a house in Israel, and having finally succeeded, we wanted to furnish it like true Israelis, i.e. by using a Swedish Do It Yourself company. Israel has gone Ikea mad. The three most holy sites in Israel are now, The Kotel, The Kinnesset  and  The I Kea.

Where do you think that the security fence that separates Israel from the Palestinians is from? You guessed it - Ikea.  When we read about the corruption charges that our hero Ariel Sharon was facing, only a privileged few know that was about the deal he struck with Ikea to divide the centre of the country using 400,000 pieces of aluminium that come in flat packs accompanied by 3 million screws.

So what's the lesson - Jews can do DIY. Whilst being the "people of the book " does not usually mean being the " people of the instruction leaflet ", we as a people have learned that when it comes to looking after each other and the state of Israel , we with help from on high , must do it ourselves.

DANIELE.

How much pleasure did I have awarding the Highgate Shul joint woman of the year award to Daniele Fletcher? As much as she did receiving it.

Of course I told the congregation that I was disappointed that my two nominations, Gwynneth Paltrow and my Mother seemed to have been overlooked, yet again, but there could be no more worthy winner than Daniele: that she has been a major and happy force within the community behind so many events, that no magazine could be produced and no quiz supper arranged without her. And whilst I did notice how spookily often her table seemed to win and indeed how there were more photos of her family in the magazine than in her albums at home - she has worked tirelessly for the community and is held in both the highest esteem and the greatest affection by us all.

       In Highgate Shul - it's not DIY - but DDI - Danielle Does It.

LIFE ON HIGH.

Maybe it's my job and seeing all of those people incarcerated that has made me a little claustrophobic. Thus Highgate was a good place for me to have lived for 10 years. But not everything that is High comes from Highgate, no more than everything that is new comes from Newmarket, or come to think of it everything that is Ugly comes from Ugley. But the family has moved on and rolled downhill to East Finchley and whilst it seemed to me that " Shulwalking" is now so challenging that it should have been in The Commonwealth  Games - just remember "you can take the boys ( and Debbie ) out of Highgate", but you can't take the Highgate out of us !

Nigel, Debbie, William, Daniel and Edward wish the Rabbi and Rebbetzen and the whole Community a wonderful & kosher Pesach.  

Nigel Lithman Q.C. of London is a BarEl Customer]